Recently I started back to college, after having been out of college since June 2008 and after Having had 2 heart failures in July 2008, that changed not only my short term meory, but also how my short term memory connects to my long term memory. So I thought I was ready to go back to college, after all, as those who have known me since 2008 or longer know, I have come a long way since coming out of the hospital in July 2008.
At first college came back to me pretty easy. the reading, the papers. So I felt confident that I could still do college pretty much with ease as I use to. Then came the first test and I got a 70. For someone that has been highly intellegent most of my life, that 70 was a disappointment. After a day or so I got over that in that I figured the climb of getting back to where I use to be would in some ways be easier then holding at the top.
Now into the the second week and the second chapter. The reading seem so easy as it touch on things I had already learned about. The papers, we won't know the grades on them until next Tuesday, but I have no fear that those also will remain at 100%. There are two test this week. The first one I took tonight and once again, I got a 70. That hit me really hard. My life has been through alot, and so much has been taken from me in so many ways, but through all of that my intellegence has always, always stayed strong....and now that is gone too. I cried. It was like a death to me. My next thought was dear God I still have another test to take.....what am I going to do now?
Then slowly it came to me. When I first came out of the hospital, I was scared. My mind was so weak and only a shadow of what it use to be. The first thing that showed on that was that my mind could no longer protect my emotions, and some peolpe saw really raw emotions from me back then. Over time that didn't change, meaning my mind still is unable to hide/protect my emotions. What did change was that now that my mind could no longer do that, God began to heal my badly damaged emotions. Now I know that I still have areas of emotions that need to heal, however to look now, God has already healed my emotions so much that it amazes me, not only from after my heart failures, but also from before that time.
So now I am on a new journey, seeing once again that my good enough isn't good enough anymore. At it's simplest, I have to learn a new way to study and remember. At it's highest, God is healing something in me again, that previously my strong mind blocked.
Every time I come to this bump in the road, there is one memory that God has let me retain. I remember one night driving home from college back in 2008. God and I were talking. God reminded me of how each time I trusted myself more then I trusted God that a big healing had to come, and those were tough times, they came in trusting God for my life,even when choas was exploding all round me, came trusting that God would always provide- home, food and shelter, even when I couldn't. Then came trust God with my kids. (that was a tough one, cause I was stcuk for a long time believing no one could take care of my kids as good as I could), then came trusting my finaces to God(that was another tough one because I have always been good with finances) and this night God said trust me with your mind. I laughed. I said God your know how tough it was turning those other things over to trusting you about them, when it comes to my mind, it will be ten times harder then all the rest combined to turn my mind over to your trust, my mind has always always been my strong hold. Well......God found a way to break through that tough strong hold wall...... and now peice by peice, God is teaching me to trust him with my mind.
So that leaves me as of this writing, back to that if God has brought me to it, God will bring me through it. Maybe not in the way I am use to, but in a way that will grow me and not harm me.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The way God made me
Sometime we are thankful for the way God made each of us different, other times we are fretcul because of our differences. Well this holiday weekend, I kind of feel into the second part of that. God has always given me somekinf od warning when something heavy is about to happen. sometime it is as simple as a heaviness coming over me, that I can't shake. That heaviness came over me this past Wednesday night. And as I foolishly do at times, I tried to figure out what it was about only to through myself into a nit of depression that night. Thanksgiving actually turned out really well. My oldest son and his friend still cane over. My friend that had to cancel on me, stopped by on her way home that night. My sister and I chatted through texting. and some one even sent a Thanksfiving text to my old cell, which has service time left, but no minutes(still haven't figure out who that one was). I also tried a few new recipes this yr. One with the turkey, which turned out excellent, as the turkey was really juicy and the meat so tender that it was all but falling off the bones. the other was a new sweet potatoes recipe, that...well didn't turn out so well....but hey it was still edible.
On Friday, I got to talk with my local friend, that just the best at accepting me right where I am :-) I thought we were going to be spending some time together that day, but plans got changed. and that was ok though cause we can talk on the phone as well as we can in person :-) So things were going good over all, but thatheavy feeling was still there.
I then thougt perhaps it was because of the ladies Christnas luncheaon that I would miss. As often is the case with me, much of what my church does with the women is each a cash thing that I can't afford at that time and or doesn't allow children, then I can't cause I am single parent ans still have an 8 yr old in my home. So coming into this Christmas, God has lead me to let God coose what we get, as in let God send to me that what he wants my family to have this yr....trusting God. so in this I can let my need be known, but not to expecting anything as if it is God's will for us this Christmas, it will happen, if not then it won't and accepting that peacefully. So this women's lucneon, I did want to fo to, as there isn't much that I get to do with the women of our church. so I simply let my need be known. Then I took a drive to Eatonville(ok, those who know me well knows I wouldn't just do anything, I had something I needed to get done anyway). and well there was still snow and ice around, especially on the outskirts of town. and this luncheon was at a family's home that is in the country. so God knows that I won't chance driving on icy roads. so I get back home and an offer was made to watch my 6 yrold, but the other poece of someone giving me a ride to this person's home, never came through....God's answer, I wasn't meabt to be there. and I am truly ok with that. as Christmas comes in many ways and these women connect with me , even if I can't make group things. So that heavy feeling still would not go away.
Then this morning my 18 yr old text me about wanting me to get her cookie dough so she could make cookies for her boyfriend. I told her no, because she soesn't live in my home, because she has money to buy a new cell, most likely means she got her back pay from ssdi from her dad, so she should have money to fet cookie dough, and because she choose not to spend thanksgiving with her family, but instead spent it with her friends family. She tried to drama it, but I simply said coversation over no respect, no comversation. and then that heaviness finally left me.
Now at first looking back, I said God why do you do this with me. (fretting about the way God made me) but then I got it. God knows that when he gives me hints to the future, too often I try to figure them out on my own, instead of just trusting God....and truth is that for weeks now God has been growing me in simplifying and not walking into suffering, and this fits perfectly into that. often when my 18 yr old and I struggle, it is because I have allowed her to pull me into her drama, this time I didn't ......I didn't walk into suffering. And I an thankful for the way God made me :-)
On Friday, I got to talk with my local friend, that just the best at accepting me right where I am :-) I thought we were going to be spending some time together that day, but plans got changed. and that was ok though cause we can talk on the phone as well as we can in person :-) So things were going good over all, but thatheavy feeling was still there.
I then thougt perhaps it was because of the ladies Christnas luncheaon that I would miss. As often is the case with me, much of what my church does with the women is each a cash thing that I can't afford at that time and or doesn't allow children, then I can't cause I am single parent ans still have an 8 yr old in my home. So coming into this Christmas, God has lead me to let God coose what we get, as in let God send to me that what he wants my family to have this yr....trusting God. so in this I can let my need be known, but not to expecting anything as if it is God's will for us this Christmas, it will happen, if not then it won't and accepting that peacefully. So this women's lucneon, I did want to fo to, as there isn't much that I get to do with the women of our church. so I simply let my need be known. Then I took a drive to Eatonville(ok, those who know me well knows I wouldn't just do anything, I had something I needed to get done anyway). and well there was still snow and ice around, especially on the outskirts of town. and this luncheon was at a family's home that is in the country. so God knows that I won't chance driving on icy roads. so I get back home and an offer was made to watch my 6 yrold, but the other poece of someone giving me a ride to this person's home, never came through....God's answer, I wasn't meabt to be there. and I am truly ok with that. as Christmas comes in many ways and these women connect with me , even if I can't make group things. So that heavy feeling still would not go away.
Then this morning my 18 yr old text me about wanting me to get her cookie dough so she could make cookies for her boyfriend. I told her no, because she soesn't live in my home, because she has money to buy a new cell, most likely means she got her back pay from ssdi from her dad, so she should have money to fet cookie dough, and because she choose not to spend thanksgiving with her family, but instead spent it with her friends family. She tried to drama it, but I simply said coversation over no respect, no comversation. and then that heaviness finally left me.
Now at first looking back, I said God why do you do this with me. (fretting about the way God made me) but then I got it. God knows that when he gives me hints to the future, too often I try to figure them out on my own, instead of just trusting God....and truth is that for weeks now God has been growing me in simplifying and not walking into suffering, and this fits perfectly into that. often when my 18 yr old and I struggle, it is because I have allowed her to pull me into her drama, this time I didn't ......I didn't walk into suffering. And I an thankful for the way God made me :-)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Why so we always..........if we know better.
I have been thinking today, as it looks like I won't make it to church this Sunday, cause perdiction for snow to start is around noon(and snow the rest of the day and into monday) and I won't chances driving in the snow. Now any one who knows me , know that I really do want to be there,even God knows that. So off and on a little I been feeling abit guilty about not going. Then today it clicked.
Not long ago, a friend of mine was talking with me about another that has quit drugs, but still has the addict behavior. I know this is true that in the begining of stopping drugs, there is still much more that needs to heal, but thank God the biggest step has been taken...no more drugs. A short time after that she was showing a few time of herself when she couldn't do what she wanted to do and feeling guilty about it. The second time, I simply told her that is addict behavior. I said an addict trys to hide what they are doing, and in that trys to come off perfect to the world. But it is ok, that we aren't perferct. God doesn't expect us to be perfect.
Another friend recently told me that she will be out of town for a couple of weeks and will miss church and church activities and that if she doesn't go church where she is traveling to that will mess with her and my thought was, I remember being that way in the past. til God grew me to know in my heart and mind that God is everywhere and with me always, even if at times I cant be connected with a church.
So now back to me, in past yrs I would drive in any kind of weather, because I was big on keeping my word and or committment to anything that I had given it to, both spoken and unspoken. Then at times would find myself just miserable because of the dangerous driving. Most recent of that was one night when I had went to CR. God had told me not to go that night, but I went anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary happen on the way there or while I was at CR, but on the way home it was raining really really hard and most of my driving that is in between two towns where their is next to no street lights, and many curves and hills. I was miserable and totaly wiped out by the time I got home. Looking back now, if I would have just listen to God, I wouldn't have suffered.
So me not going to church tomorrow, I am no longer feeling guilty about that. I rarely miss and really want to be there, but God who knows me better then I know myself is making it that I don't go. Because God also knows how I will re-act to things. And God who is in control of everything is showing me that there is still a chance of snow. so I choose to to not take a chance of suffering, and will God willing see my church family on Tuesday Wedbesday and next Sunday.
In short, learing more and more each day, not to walk into suffering :-)
Not long ago, a friend of mine was talking with me about another that has quit drugs, but still has the addict behavior. I know this is true that in the begining of stopping drugs, there is still much more that needs to heal, but thank God the biggest step has been taken...no more drugs. A short time after that she was showing a few time of herself when she couldn't do what she wanted to do and feeling guilty about it. The second time, I simply told her that is addict behavior. I said an addict trys to hide what they are doing, and in that trys to come off perfect to the world. But it is ok, that we aren't perferct. God doesn't expect us to be perfect.
Another friend recently told me that she will be out of town for a couple of weeks and will miss church and church activities and that if she doesn't go church where she is traveling to that will mess with her and my thought was, I remember being that way in the past. til God grew me to know in my heart and mind that God is everywhere and with me always, even if at times I cant be connected with a church.
So now back to me, in past yrs I would drive in any kind of weather, because I was big on keeping my word and or committment to anything that I had given it to, both spoken and unspoken. Then at times would find myself just miserable because of the dangerous driving. Most recent of that was one night when I had went to CR. God had told me not to go that night, but I went anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary happen on the way there or while I was at CR, but on the way home it was raining really really hard and most of my driving that is in between two towns where their is next to no street lights, and many curves and hills. I was miserable and totaly wiped out by the time I got home. Looking back now, if I would have just listen to God, I wouldn't have suffered.
So me not going to church tomorrow, I am no longer feeling guilty about that. I rarely miss and really want to be there, but God who knows me better then I know myself is making it that I don't go. Because God also knows how I will re-act to things. And God who is in control of everything is showing me that there is still a chance of snow. so I choose to to not take a chance of suffering, and will God willing see my church family on Tuesday Wedbesday and next Sunday.
In short, learing more and more each day, not to walk into suffering :-)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The most fulfilling thing to me.
It is seeing people grow in God, yes even myself. Yesterday was a God awesome Sunday( of course any day is God awesome when one is saved and walking with God). We had 4 people five mini testimonies. As they walked up on stage, I knew them all and had heard some of each ones story, before this day. But I sat wondering what God would bring forth this day. The first God showed me that we can all still hurt from some of our past. The second, truly opened my eyes to where his walk is with God. it also made me think. This person and I when we have conversation, almost always make me stop and think. I like that he makes me think. because that not only grows more strength back to my mind. It also helps me to know where I firmly stand in my htowth in God. Anyway at times I have wondered if this would be the time he would walk away from me, cause I said too much.....yet he never has. And yesterday God reminded me of something. I once was on the other side of conversations like this and I said to my friend, perhaps I say too much. She said, no, I ask tough question that make her think. we had written that in a note to each other and I kept that note for many months, as I was unsure in that moment if that was a good thing or not. Anyway, for me, that this man now has conversation with me that really makes me think, is God awesome in many ways :-).
The third was a women that.....well put simple we have had our differences but God always keeps me intreeged about her. She just gave a testimony on her past few yrs. This woman I think God keeps me connected to because we are so different, yet so the same. Biggest is how we connect with others and how we present ourselves to each other. God is teaching me through her that a strong leader in God can accept people right where they are, even if where they are is against a grain that is fimilar to self. And with all that I am still excited for every step I see her grow in God :-)
The last person that gave testimony, was most interesting too me. he recently revealed the area in which he thinks God is conecting him with others the strongest. Yet in this mini testimony he only spoke of his personal walk. For a moment that confused me a bit. Then God showed me. He spoke of the part that God wanted him too, cause someone needed to here that. I heard his testimony before on how he was drawn to church and I got to say, it is so unique that it never grows old. perhaps newcomers needed to hear it as well. To this one God once again showed me that is always is simple what God wants it be.
One to a bit more personal. My oldest son, God has been working through him to reach his housemates.friends. recently the couple that lives there had talked about coming to church. he more shy anout it then her, but at last the timing is not right for them. She just found out that she is pregnant again(they have a 10 month old baby girl) and having complications. So now God is going in a differnt direction. The other adult that lives in that home is a 30 yr old black man. My son told me last Sunday that now he wants to come to church with us. I personally am thrilled about that. I of course though am thrilled when God reachs anyone. But Satan is always waiting to pounce. The church I go to is prodomently white, in a town that is prodomently white. When Satan showed me that, I turned and said "Really God?" Part of my walk over the past 10yrs or so has been that God brings me to a fairly new church and connects me first with the leaders, and has me brong to the church what has never been there before. For many years that was my middle son. simply because he is ADHD/ODD and high maintance. when I first came to this state, this son of mine is the one God used for me to see the heart of a church, as I was search for a church to call home. You see for me it is simple. If a church can accept my speacil needs son, then the heart of that church is God and if they can't then the heart of that church is people. well my current home church accepted my middle son and God has grown many of us through him. As things shifted in life, as they always will, then God took the the next step and this time it was my oldest son that brought something to the church that had never been there before. Now on this one I had to step back adventually. God need me out of the way. And it broke my heart when my oldest son decided to walk away from the church. adventually though one of my daily prayers became that God mend the hearts on both sides that one day my oldest son would be able to return to the church. It has been so God awesome watching God do this with all involved.
Now it looks like God will be bringing a black man for the first time to this church. A bit of me wonders how they will re-act. a bit of me wonders as to how involed God will have me involed in this if this is indeed an area that my church needs to grow in. Then I turn to my son and say yes this man can come to church with us next Sunday and as long as thier focus is on God they will accept him just as the would any other. I just sometimes wonder why God keeps returning me to these cutting edges.
alittle more personal. My youngest is 8. She is saved and has talked with me about getting baptized. When we first started talking about it(many months ago) she was unsure about getting baptized. I simply told her that is was nothing to worry about, because Jesus knows everything and when the time is right for her to be baptized, Jesus will make it comfortanle for her. Recently, she has told me that she is ready to be baptized, and that we need to talk with Pastor about it. Ironically, she even got alittle testy with me when I kept forgetting that we need to talk with Pastor. Anyway this past Sunday we did talk with Pastor is she is now signed up to get baptized.
Now what is interesting here is conversation between Pastor and I. See my youngest is shy to talk with men, unless she knows them well( I think that has alot to do with that her dad has not been a part of her daily life since she was 1 1/2) so most the talking was me and pastor. He questioned if my girl was trully saved. I said yes she is. as to many have talked with her about Jesus, on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. An then he mentioned about her age. I know she is young, me and this child has talked at length many times about what being saved is. After I left that conversation, defence was tickling my thoughts and temptation of writing a defense e-mail to my pastor crossed my mind more then once. But I took a step back and ask God, should I? and then God showed me, my flaw. I struggle with when a mans question me about what I know as truth. It almost imediateld throws me into this mode that I feel I have to prove myself over and over again. This time God stopped me from that. God knows and if it is God willl that it is time for Mollie to get baptized, she will, nothing will be able to stop God :-).still a part of me truly wishes others could have witness the weekly coversations(on Wed and Friday evenings when we are doing all that driving) that have been so richly filled with God and my youngest child's knowledge of him and growing to be saved :-)
The third was a women that.....well put simple we have had our differences but God always keeps me intreeged about her. She just gave a testimony on her past few yrs. This woman I think God keeps me connected to because we are so different, yet so the same. Biggest is how we connect with others and how we present ourselves to each other. God is teaching me through her that a strong leader in God can accept people right where they are, even if where they are is against a grain that is fimilar to self. And with all that I am still excited for every step I see her grow in God :-)
The last person that gave testimony, was most interesting too me. he recently revealed the area in which he thinks God is conecting him with others the strongest. Yet in this mini testimony he only spoke of his personal walk. For a moment that confused me a bit. Then God showed me. He spoke of the part that God wanted him too, cause someone needed to here that. I heard his testimony before on how he was drawn to church and I got to say, it is so unique that it never grows old. perhaps newcomers needed to hear it as well. To this one God once again showed me that is always is simple what God wants it be.
One to a bit more personal. My oldest son, God has been working through him to reach his housemates.friends. recently the couple that lives there had talked about coming to church. he more shy anout it then her, but at last the timing is not right for them. She just found out that she is pregnant again(they have a 10 month old baby girl) and having complications. So now God is going in a differnt direction. The other adult that lives in that home is a 30 yr old black man. My son told me last Sunday that now he wants to come to church with us. I personally am thrilled about that. I of course though am thrilled when God reachs anyone. But Satan is always waiting to pounce. The church I go to is prodomently white, in a town that is prodomently white. When Satan showed me that, I turned and said "Really God?" Part of my walk over the past 10yrs or so has been that God brings me to a fairly new church and connects me first with the leaders, and has me brong to the church what has never been there before. For many years that was my middle son. simply because he is ADHD/ODD and high maintance. when I first came to this state, this son of mine is the one God used for me to see the heart of a church, as I was search for a church to call home. You see for me it is simple. If a church can accept my speacil needs son, then the heart of that church is God and if they can't then the heart of that church is people. well my current home church accepted my middle son and God has grown many of us through him. As things shifted in life, as they always will, then God took the the next step and this time it was my oldest son that brought something to the church that had never been there before. Now on this one I had to step back adventually. God need me out of the way. And it broke my heart when my oldest son decided to walk away from the church. adventually though one of my daily prayers became that God mend the hearts on both sides that one day my oldest son would be able to return to the church. It has been so God awesome watching God do this with all involved.
Now it looks like God will be bringing a black man for the first time to this church. A bit of me wonders how they will re-act. a bit of me wonders as to how involed God will have me involed in this if this is indeed an area that my church needs to grow in. Then I turn to my son and say yes this man can come to church with us next Sunday and as long as thier focus is on God they will accept him just as the would any other. I just sometimes wonder why God keeps returning me to these cutting edges.
alittle more personal. My youngest is 8. She is saved and has talked with me about getting baptized. When we first started talking about it(many months ago) she was unsure about getting baptized. I simply told her that is was nothing to worry about, because Jesus knows everything and when the time is right for her to be baptized, Jesus will make it comfortanle for her. Recently, she has told me that she is ready to be baptized, and that we need to talk with Pastor about it. Ironically, she even got alittle testy with me when I kept forgetting that we need to talk with Pastor. Anyway this past Sunday we did talk with Pastor is she is now signed up to get baptized.
Now what is interesting here is conversation between Pastor and I. See my youngest is shy to talk with men, unless she knows them well( I think that has alot to do with that her dad has not been a part of her daily life since she was 1 1/2) so most the talking was me and pastor. He questioned if my girl was trully saved. I said yes she is. as to many have talked with her about Jesus, on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. An then he mentioned about her age. I know she is young, me and this child has talked at length many times about what being saved is. After I left that conversation, defence was tickling my thoughts and temptation of writing a defense e-mail to my pastor crossed my mind more then once. But I took a step back and ask God, should I? and then God showed me, my flaw. I struggle with when a mans question me about what I know as truth. It almost imediateld throws me into this mode that I feel I have to prove myself over and over again. This time God stopped me from that. God knows and if it is God willl that it is time for Mollie to get baptized, she will, nothing will be able to stop God :-).still a part of me truly wishes others could have witness the weekly coversations(on Wed and Friday evenings when we are doing all that driving) that have been so richly filled with God and my youngest child's knowledge of him and growing to be saved :-)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Bit of a scare
Tuesday I went to CR as I almost always do on Tuesdays. This Tuesday was a bit different. I been struggling with a cold for a few days abd this day ir was wearing me down(but I wasn't out yet) as I fetting closer to Eatonville, I realize that the humidity is rising. This can weaken me as well as I have breathing struggles. As always I stop first at a friend's house, whom I give a ride on ride on the nights that she goes, but she wasn't home. When I got back to my van, my back lights were on. That seemed odd cause I hadn't even turned pn my lights. abd yet to touch they were warm like they had been on for a while. I messed with any thing that had to do with the light and still the back lights remained on. Now on top of feeling alittle weak, I am starting to get frustrated. at one time I had a Christain brother that would help anytime I needed help with my van, but the had moved away months ago. So I simply said God help me. God said there are men at CR. That being true, I moved on to my next stop. I am well known for nest to never being anywhere without my Mt.Dew. Back in the day, it was my energy booster, these days simply just a habit. I reach in my pocket for my foodstamp card and it is not there. After a few minutes, I realize that I had left it at home on my computer tablem so I figured oh, I will just use cash, besides I needed to get some out for offering at CR anyway. So off to the bank I go. This back will only let me take out alotments of 20. I didn't need that much, but all things considered, $20 wouldn't be a big deal to take out. Then I got the recipt. I was a bit surprised. thier was alot less money left then I had thought. that only frustrated me for a fraction of a second, because I knew I would have more money coming in the next day. as I return to my van. I realize again that my back lights are still on. that really is frustarting me as I know that I no longer have someone that helps me when my van acts up. So finally I say, "God do you really not want me at CR tonight, cause if these lights stay on I am getting my pop and going home. You know God I do not wabt to break down in Eatonville( roughly a half hour drive from my home). If you want me at CR, please show me how to fix the pronlem with the lights. A few seconds later I tapped on my brakes three times and the problem was solved( and hasn't been a problem since). so I went and got my pop and went to CR. Still feeling a bit under the weather, I did greeting as best I could. Then it was meal time. I sat with 4 other women and conversations were going on all around me. Then I tried to make a comment to join the conversation and I was talked over and ignored. Now it the past this would have really ticked me off, but it doesn't anymore, cause I have learned that sometimes God just doesn't want me to me part of a conversation. So I leave the table and go to my van and have a cig. and stall for time til worship starts. when I go in God says sit alone. Again not a big deal cause God does that sometime when he wants me to just focus on me. Music starts and shortly I get too tired to stand and sing, so I sit and can sing. after a little while my throat starts getting scratchy. and I start sounding a bit like a frog singing. For a second I am concerned, but that passes, because I am not singing to get people's approval, I am singing praise to God and God loves hearing me, no matter how my voice is. At one point a friend turns and waves to me, perhaps a bit concerned that I am sitting alone. At that point my energy kind of zapped, all I can do is snile back at her. By the time of singing the last sonf of the night, my sitting has given me strength back to stand and sing and joy fills me as it is one of my most favorite praise songs and I handn't heard it in a while. Plus earlier in the day I went to my myspace(yes I have one, but rarely go to it anymore) cause I wanted to listen to the music I had on there as I was doing other things and as I went to my music, this song that was bo longer is available on my space. so I was joyful that we were singing it............then it happened..........something that has never happened nefore in my entire life. I had a brain fart. Ok, let me explain my version of that. Sometimes my memory gets faulty(short term) since I had my heart failures, and I have come to live with that pretty much peacefully. And sometimes God keeps us blind for a little while, and then I stand in awe of God when he removes the wool from my eyes. I have experience that time and time again through the yrs. But this was differnt. This time it was like someone blew a puff of air into my brain and all the word of this very fimilar song was just swirling in many differnt circles and I couldn't catch them....Brain fart. This freaked me out ...literally. I threw my hands to my head, but of course that didn't help. Then I cried out to God. God, please no, please no! and almost instantly God took away the brain fart.
A testimony was next. and this one touched many areas of my life. and my mine wasn't ready for that as I have been working on my own testimony and this time got all the way to being 22 and moving to northen IL, before I had to stop. My poor brain just wasn't up to remembering many areas of my past. It was/ is still to focused on why I can yet move forward on my own testimony. Then my mind swicthed to looking atound to see who would be in what group. The group I am in, had only been me in the leader for a few weeks and I knew I couldn't do that this week. As I looked atound others had come that would be in our group. fear however was still in me though and so at this point I decided that maybe it would be ok not to stay for small group. Then I saw. One of my greatesr fear burst open wide. That fear put simple, the what if the brain fart had been more serious and I was else where then church. No one would know. no one is regular in my life anymore (and besides that was another thing. No one was to CR that night that I can talk with, with ease when feeling vurnable) and though thier are others that are facing brain struggles as I am within my church, but it is as it has always been, they have a spouces to help help them through and I don't. Alone makes it alot tougher. It was at this point I knew I had to leave. I couldn't chance getting talked to with about similar struggles, My mind was in a new fear of its own. So I left and didn't go to small group. Instead i went to God. and after sometime God got my attention. God said to me, yes they may have spouces, but then they have more of a chance of growing dependent on them. Because my spouce is not with me. I turn to God first and dependent on God. They still have a choice. I don't. and though it sounds a bit wierd, that brought me peace.
I wish I coud say my fear of a brain fart happening again is behind me, but it is not. It is still new and it is still kind of scary, but what I can say is that even when the fear shows itself, I can trust God not only to see me through it, but to bring me to his greatest good through it.
A testimony was next. and this one touched many areas of my life. and my mine wasn't ready for that as I have been working on my own testimony and this time got all the way to being 22 and moving to northen IL, before I had to stop. My poor brain just wasn't up to remembering many areas of my past. It was/ is still to focused on why I can yet move forward on my own testimony. Then my mind swicthed to looking atound to see who would be in what group. The group I am in, had only been me in the leader for a few weeks and I knew I couldn't do that this week. As I looked atound others had come that would be in our group. fear however was still in me though and so at this point I decided that maybe it would be ok not to stay for small group. Then I saw. One of my greatesr fear burst open wide. That fear put simple, the what if the brain fart had been more serious and I was else where then church. No one would know. no one is regular in my life anymore (and besides that was another thing. No one was to CR that night that I can talk with, with ease when feeling vurnable) and though thier are others that are facing brain struggles as I am within my church, but it is as it has always been, they have a spouces to help help them through and I don't. Alone makes it alot tougher. It was at this point I knew I had to leave. I couldn't chance getting talked to with about similar struggles, My mind was in a new fear of its own. So I left and didn't go to small group. Instead i went to God. and after sometime God got my attention. God said to me, yes they may have spouces, but then they have more of a chance of growing dependent on them. Because my spouce is not with me. I turn to God first and dependent on God. They still have a choice. I don't. and though it sounds a bit wierd, that brought me peace.
I wish I coud say my fear of a brain fart happening again is behind me, but it is not. It is still new and it is still kind of scary, but what I can say is that even when the fear shows itself, I can trust God not only to see me through it, but to bring me to his greatest good through it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Does it seem....
Does it seem at times that God is taking us down the same road again and again? That is where I have kind of been stuck recently. Not long ago I got in touch with a child(now a young adult) of a friend of mine from when I was a young adult. Now the child and I have been talking off and on for the past couple or weeks. The mom( my friend) has decided not to have contact with me. no reason given. If this was the first time something like this happened to me, it would make sence where my mind went upon hearing this news(my mind said what did or have I done wrong), but truth is this is not the first time. I have been through this experience atleast 3 times before. First time, he(friend) came back to me after about 6 months. That time my life had changed so much, that I couldn't chance being friends with him again (how I regret that choice)
Second time it happened, it was a whole family, and I struggled deeply for months over this one. But adventually was able to give the heartache up to God and though I thought of them often and longed for the contact again. the heartache went away and all that was left as a struggle was never trusting to get close to anyone again. Well, God had other plans. Before this family came back into my life, God did bring others into my life that not only became a close friend, but would be the third to walk out of my life...no reason given. Any way, the family after like 2 yrs, is back in my life again :-). The third was a friend that had touched my heart deeper then anyone had ever before, that is how strong my heart grew to trust him(friend) and God used that to grow my heart. Then one day, no more contact....no reason given. This time however, I didn't "stalk" to try to re-connect(as I did with the first), I didn't go to heart ache and shut down trust(as I did with the second), but I still did wonder why and very ocassionally tried to get back in contact with him. Through this one, others in my life taught me that when something like this happens, that it is not necessarily about me. And that sometime people are only in our life for a season(though I never really accepted that because I know that when people are connected at the heart of God, they are never really gone) and I also grew stronger in that everything happens in God's timing and for God's reason. This friend has very recently gotten back in touch with me after like a yr and a half.
Now, God has blessed me deeply with reconnecting with people from my past, with the exception of two friends that were near and dear to my heart in my late teen/early adult yrs. One, Is not on computer, but I recently discovered her address and will write to her soon. The other is the one that has said she wants no contact with me.....no reason given. So I did for a moment go again to what did or have I done wrong, but only for a moment, as I know not what her life is these days, and until I know different, I have no reason to assume it is me, the reason. I am not at heart ache and I am not stalking her and I know if we are to be in contact again that it will be in God's timimg. However, my heart is still sad about this and because I am in contact with her daughter, I don't know how to respond to this and I can't at this point figure out what God wants me to learn from this. All I really know is at this point I am starting to kind of get tired of going through this process over and over again. I guess all I can do at this point is pray.....prayer is definately for those time when there seems to be no answers.
Second time it happened, it was a whole family, and I struggled deeply for months over this one. But adventually was able to give the heartache up to God and though I thought of them often and longed for the contact again. the heartache went away and all that was left as a struggle was never trusting to get close to anyone again. Well, God had other plans. Before this family came back into my life, God did bring others into my life that not only became a close friend, but would be the third to walk out of my life...no reason given. Any way, the family after like 2 yrs, is back in my life again :-). The third was a friend that had touched my heart deeper then anyone had ever before, that is how strong my heart grew to trust him(friend) and God used that to grow my heart. Then one day, no more contact....no reason given. This time however, I didn't "stalk" to try to re-connect(as I did with the first), I didn't go to heart ache and shut down trust(as I did with the second), but I still did wonder why and very ocassionally tried to get back in contact with him. Through this one, others in my life taught me that when something like this happens, that it is not necessarily about me. And that sometime people are only in our life for a season(though I never really accepted that because I know that when people are connected at the heart of God, they are never really gone) and I also grew stronger in that everything happens in God's timing and for God's reason. This friend has very recently gotten back in touch with me after like a yr and a half.
Now, God has blessed me deeply with reconnecting with people from my past, with the exception of two friends that were near and dear to my heart in my late teen/early adult yrs. One, Is not on computer, but I recently discovered her address and will write to her soon. The other is the one that has said she wants no contact with me.....no reason given. So I did for a moment go again to what did or have I done wrong, but only for a moment, as I know not what her life is these days, and until I know different, I have no reason to assume it is me, the reason. I am not at heart ache and I am not stalking her and I know if we are to be in contact again that it will be in God's timimg. However, my heart is still sad about this and because I am in contact with her daughter, I don't know how to respond to this and I can't at this point figure out what God wants me to learn from this. All I really know is at this point I am starting to kind of get tired of going through this process over and over again. I guess all I can do at this point is pray.....prayer is definately for those time when there seems to be no answers.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
When Blessings flow
For like a yr my life has seemed to meet one struggle after another, anywahere from family and friends to finances. Bow the blessings seem to be come forth as even in the rough time my trust faith and hoperemained in God.
The month started off by finding out that I will receive child support for my kids. that has been al,ost 7 yrs in the making. Then I find out that my section rent has finally went back to the 30 % of my income that it should be, with it dating back two months, thus making Nov rent really cheap. Last night I just found out that my income will increase yet again in Nov. This increase is only $73 dollars, but to me it is as if God is saying it is done. Why? because I knew coming into this month that I would have to go back to paying my insurance on van on a monthly bases. And though I finally eliminated my storage bill, it would not be enough of a difference to cover the insurance, without taking money from another bill. My prayer was simply, God please help trust that you will find a way that all my bills can be covered. This last increase is just slightly more then what my insurance cost. which is totally awesome, but because of the child support and decrease in rent, God has given me even more them I prayed for :-)
The other part is family. I have prayed a long time for my family to be whole again. For awhile things just seem to be happening that my family was pulled more and more apart, but I still kept praying both for indivisaul family members and my family as a whole. Now, my oldest son has return to church, and with the power of God cause as he says, people will not stop him this time. he is doing what the church requires and he even told me last night that he is all but quit drinking(which is really huge for him) and is no longer partying :-) Plus the bonus on this is that more and more of his friends are wanting to come to church :-)
My miffle son had to move over 2000 miles away from me this past February and it broke my heart, as he was only 15 then, and it was the first time ever that one of my kids would be so far away from me. But thos child of mine there is never a doubt that he will keep in touch with me and so we did often keep intouch, but still wasn't the same as him being here. Last night I officaily found out that he is coming back to WA in two weeks. God's way :-) and I can't wait to see hom again, but wonder alittle if locally the rejoice of this will only be with me and my family.
And last but not least, my kids dad, my husband......God has plans in the making on this part to,however on this one, I can't yet let the cat out of the bag just yet, other then to say in May 2011 will be 7 yrs that I have been in WA, and when that time gets here, my family will be so differnt then when I first stepped foot in WA :-)
The month started off by finding out that I will receive child support for my kids. that has been al,ost 7 yrs in the making. Then I find out that my section rent has finally went back to the 30 % of my income that it should be, with it dating back two months, thus making Nov rent really cheap. Last night I just found out that my income will increase yet again in Nov. This increase is only $73 dollars, but to me it is as if God is saying it is done. Why? because I knew coming into this month that I would have to go back to paying my insurance on van on a monthly bases. And though I finally eliminated my storage bill, it would not be enough of a difference to cover the insurance, without taking money from another bill. My prayer was simply, God please help trust that you will find a way that all my bills can be covered. This last increase is just slightly more then what my insurance cost. which is totally awesome, but because of the child support and decrease in rent, God has given me even more them I prayed for :-)
The other part is family. I have prayed a long time for my family to be whole again. For awhile things just seem to be happening that my family was pulled more and more apart, but I still kept praying both for indivisaul family members and my family as a whole. Now, my oldest son has return to church, and with the power of God cause as he says, people will not stop him this time. he is doing what the church requires and he even told me last night that he is all but quit drinking(which is really huge for him) and is no longer partying :-) Plus the bonus on this is that more and more of his friends are wanting to come to church :-)
My miffle son had to move over 2000 miles away from me this past February and it broke my heart, as he was only 15 then, and it was the first time ever that one of my kids would be so far away from me. But thos child of mine there is never a doubt that he will keep in touch with me and so we did often keep intouch, but still wasn't the same as him being here. Last night I officaily found out that he is coming back to WA in two weeks. God's way :-) and I can't wait to see hom again, but wonder alittle if locally the rejoice of this will only be with me and my family.
And last but not least, my kids dad, my husband......God has plans in the making on this part to,however on this one, I can't yet let the cat out of the bag just yet, other then to say in May 2011 will be 7 yrs that I have been in WA, and when that time gets here, my family will be so differnt then when I first stepped foot in WA :-)
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