A let down?

Recently I started back to college, after having been out of college since June 2008 and after Having had 2 heart failures in July 2008, that changed not only my short term meory, but also how my short term memory connects to my long term memory. So I thought I was ready to go back to college, after all, as those who have known me since 2008 or longer know, I have come a long way since coming out of the hospital in July 2008.

At first college came back to me pretty easy. the reading, the papers. So I felt confident that I could still do college pretty much with ease as I use to. Then came the first test and I got a 70. For someone that has been highly intellegent most of my life, that 70 was a disappointment. After a day or so I got over that in that I figured the climb of getting back to where I use to be would in some ways be easier then holding at the top.

Now into the the second week and the second chapter. The reading seem so easy as it touch on things I had already learned about. The papers, we won't know the grades on them until next Tuesday, but I have no fear that those also will remain at 100%. There are two test this week. The first one I took tonight and once again, I got a 70. That hit me really hard. My life has been through alot, and so much has been taken from me in so many ways, but through all of that my intellegence has always, always stayed strong....and now that is gone too. I cried. It was like a death to me. My next thought was dear God I still have another test to take.....what am I going to do now?

Then slowly it came to me. When I first came out of the hospital, I was scared. My mind was so weak and only a shadow of what it use to be. The first thing that showed on that was that my mind could no longer protect my emotions, and some peolpe saw really raw emotions from me back then. Over time that didn't change, meaning my mind still is unable to hide/protect my emotions. What did change was that now that my mind could no longer do that, God began to heal my badly damaged emotions. Now I know that I still have areas of emotions that need to heal, however to look now, God has already healed my emotions so much that it amazes me, not only from after my heart failures, but also from before that time.

So now I am on a new journey, seeing once again that my good enough isn't good enough anymore. At it's simplest, I have to learn a new way to study and remember. At it's highest, God is healing something in me again, that previously my strong mind blocked.

Every time I come to this bump in the road, there is one memory that God has let me retain. I remember one night driving home from college back in 2008. God and I were talking. God reminded me of how each time I trusted myself more then I trusted God that a big healing had to come, and those were tough times, they came in trusting God for my life,even when choas was exploding all round me, came trusting that God would always provide- home, food and shelter, even when I couldn't. Then came trust God with my kids. (that was a tough one, cause I was stcuk for a long time believing no one could take care of my kids as good as I could), then came trusting my finaces to God(that was another tough one because I have always been good with finances) and this night God said trust me with your mind. I laughed. I said God your know how tough it was turning those other things over to trusting you about them, when it comes to my mind, it will be ten times harder then all the rest combined to turn my mind over to your trust, my mind has always always been my strong hold. Well......God found a way to break through that tough strong hold wall...... and now peice by peice, God is teaching me to trust him with my mind.

So that leaves me as of this writing, back to that if God has brought me to it, God will bring me through it. Maybe not in the way I am use to, but in a way that will grow me and not harm me.