Bit of a scare

Tuesday I went to CR as I almost always do on Tuesdays. This Tuesday was a bit different. I been struggling with a cold for a few days abd this day ir was wearing me down(but I wasn't out yet) as I fetting closer to Eatonville, I realize that the humidity is rising. This can weaken me as well as I have breathing struggles. As always I stop first at a friend's house, whom I give a ride on ride on the nights that she goes, but she wasn't home. When I got back to my van, my back lights were on. That seemed odd cause I hadn't even turned pn my lights. abd yet to touch they were warm like they had been on for a while. I messed with any thing that had to do with the light and still the back lights remained on. Now on top of feeling alittle weak, I am starting to get frustrated. at one time I had a Christain brother that would help anytime I needed help with my van, but the had moved away months ago. So I simply said God help me. God said there are men at CR. That being true, I moved on to my next stop. I am well known for nest to never being anywhere without my Mt.Dew. Back in the day, it was my energy booster, these days simply just a habit. I reach in my pocket for my foodstamp card and it is not there. After a few minutes, I realize that I had left it at home on my computer tablem so I figured oh, I will just use cash, besides I needed to get some out for offering at CR anyway. So off to the bank I go. This back will only let me take out alotments of 20. I didn't need that much, but all things considered, $20 wouldn't be a big deal to take out. Then I got the recipt. I was a bit surprised. thier was alot less money left then I had thought. that only frustrated me for a fraction of a second, because I knew I would have more money coming in the next day. as I return to my van. I realize again that my back lights are still on. that really is frustarting me as I know that I no longer have someone that helps me when my van acts up. So finally I say, "God do you really not want me at CR tonight, cause if these lights stay on I am getting my pop and going home. You know God I do not wabt to break down in Eatonville( roughly a half hour drive from my home). If you want me at CR, please show me how to fix the pronlem with the lights. A few seconds later I tapped on my brakes three times and the problem was solved( and hasn't been a problem since). so I went and got my pop and went to CR. Still feeling a bit under the weather, I did greeting as best I could. Then it was meal time. I sat with 4 other women and conversations were going on all around me. Then I tried to make a comment to join the conversation and I was talked over and ignored. Now it the past this would have really ticked me off, but it doesn't anymore, cause I have learned that sometimes God just doesn't want me to me part of a conversation. So I leave the table and go to my van and have a cig. and stall for time til worship starts. when I go in God says sit alone. Again not a big deal cause God does that sometime when he wants me to just focus on me. Music starts and shortly I get too tired to stand and sing, so I sit and can sing. after a little while my throat starts getting scratchy. and I start sounding a bit like a frog singing. For a second I am concerned, but that passes, because I am not singing to get people's approval, I am singing praise to God and God loves hearing me, no matter how my voice is. At one point a friend turns and waves to me, perhaps a bit concerned that I am sitting alone. At that point my energy kind of zapped, all I can do is snile back at her. By the time of singing the last sonf of the night, my sitting has given me strength back to stand and sing and joy fills me as it is one of my most favorite praise songs and I handn't heard it in a while. Plus earlier in the day I went to my myspace(yes I have one, but rarely go to it anymore) cause I wanted to listen to the music I had on there as I was doing other things and as I went to my music, this song that was bo longer is available on my space. so I was joyful that we were singing it............then it happened..........something that has never happened nefore in my entire life. I had a brain fart. Ok, let me explain my version of that. Sometimes my memory gets faulty(short term) since I had my heart failures, and I have come to live with that pretty much peacefully. And sometimes God keeps us blind for a little while, and then I stand in awe of God when he removes the wool from my eyes. I have experience that time and time again through the yrs. But this was differnt. This time it was like someone blew a puff of air into my brain and all the word of this very fimilar song was just swirling in many differnt  circles and I couldn't catch them....Brain fart. This freaked me out ...literally. I threw my hands to my head, but of course that didn't help. Then I cried out to God. God, please no, please no! and almost instantly God took away the brain fart.
A testimony was next. and this one touched many areas of my life. and my mine wasn't ready for that as I have been working on my own testimony and this time got all the way to being 22 and moving to northen IL, before I had to stop. My poor brain just wasn't up to remembering many areas of my past. It was/ is still to focused on why I can yet move forward on my own testimony. Then my mind swicthed to looking atound to see who would be in what group. The group I am in, had only been me in the leader for a few weeks and I knew I couldn't do that this week. As I looked atound others had come that would be in our group. fear however was still in me though and so at this point I decided that maybe it would be ok not to stay for small group. Then I saw. One of my greatesr fear burst open wide. That fear put simple, the what if the brain fart had been more serious and I was else where then church. No one would know. no one is regular  in my life anymore (and besides that was another thing. No one was to CR that night that I can talk with, with ease when feeling vurnable) and though thier are others that are facing brain struggles as I am within my church, but it is as it has always been, they have a spouces to help help them through and I don't. Alone makes it alot tougher. It was at this point I knew I had to leave. I couldn't chance getting talked to with about similar struggles, My mind was in a new fear of its own. So I left and didn't go to small group. Instead i went to God. and after sometime God got my attention. God said to me, yes they may have spouces, but then they have more of a chance of growing dependent on them. Because my spouce is not with me. I turn to God first and dependent on God. They still have a choice. I don't. and though it sounds a bit wierd, that brought me peace.

I wish I coud say my fear of a brain fart happening again is behind me, but it is not. It is still new and it is still kind of scary, but what I can say is that even when the fear shows itself, I can trust God not only to see me through it, but to bring me to his greatest good through it.